The STOO-PID List
Oh it's just lovely to get to work and realize you posted while drunk last night, and it's even more lovely to barely be able to understand your own post. I didn't even think I was that drunk, geez.
Anyways, various events that have occurred this week have inspired me to compose a list. The STOO-PID list. A list of various stoo-pid things I have done this week, or have been done to me, or I have seen done.
1. DON'T GO ONLINE WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK. STOO-PID MENACE!!! You do not have extreme literary talent, despite what you may think at 2 in the morning after several Goose and tonics. What you write will make little sense to anyone, including yourself, when you realize you posted the next morning. And the only interaction you seem to have with Thursday night's doorman in your building has been while you are on some sort of substance. You do not need your apartment building thinking you are an alcoholic floozy. STOO-PID!
2. DON'T CHASE KAMIKAZE SHOTS WITH A DOUBLE GOOSE AND TONIC!!! I don't think I need to elaborate here. STOO-PID!!!!
3. DON'T LAUGH AT YOUR BEST FRIEND WHEN A BIRD SHITS ON HER HEAD!!! Because a bird will shit on your foot while you are waiting for your sushi on your lunch break. Can we say karmic retribution? STOO-PID!!
4. DON'T HAVE X-RATED AIM CONVERSATIONS WHILE AT WORK!!! Not that any of the old fuddy-duddies in this office even know how to find said conversation on the main computer brain thing, but knowing me and my luck I will get found out and will get fired and a scandal will ensue and my sex life will be plastered all over the news: "Blonde Fired for Dirty Talk on The Company Dime!!!" I can see it now. STOO-PID!!! (But a very VERY fun stoo-pid, nonetheless.)
5. DON'T TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT SHIT WAS ON THE GROUND THAT YOU WALKED BY ON YOUR WAY TO WORK! Because when you realize that it is vomit and start to emit little screams and take off running, PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD!! STOO-PID!
6. DON'T CLOSE THE METRO AT MIDNIGHT ON A THURSDAY! Some of us can't wait until Friday to get krunk. Some of us are semi-recent college grads who like to pretend like they are still in college and don't have Friday classes. Some of us are under-paid office assistants who need the metro to be running when they stumble home at 2 in the morning so they don't spend $15 bucks on a fucking 5 minute cab ride. CAB ZONES IN DC: ALSO VERY, VERY STOO-PID. Oooh. Flashback from last night. DON'T YELL AT COPS, OR CALL THEM "DUDES." Those cops did actually have every right to honk at the cab driver for stopping in the middle of the street to let you in. Yelling "DUUUUDES I HAVE TO GO HOOOOOME I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 7 MAAAAAAAN!!!" will not change the fact that no cabbie should stop in the middle of the street. And when the cop tells you this don't go "BUT DUUUUUUUUUDE" and whine, just shut up and get in the cab. STOO-PID, STOO-PID and STOO-PID. And makes me wonder if I should still be saying "dude" at 22. Probably not.
7. DON'T APPROACH A GIRL BY SAYING "YOU REALLY NEED A GUY LIKE ME" and then proceed to tell her your family owns the largest dry cleaning company in DC as if you think that is going to impress her. Do not proceed to ask her and her friend, a dozen times, if they have heard of said dry-cleaning place, b/c chances are if they said no the first time you mentioned it that just might mean THEY'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT!! DO NOT FOLLOW THIS GIRL THE WHOLE NIGHT AND RANDOMLY POP INTO HER CONVERSATIONS WITH OTHER DOODS TO TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER. YOU DO NOT KNOW HER. Flattering, I suppose, but STOO-PID.
8. DON'T STEAL MY FRIEND'S PURSE AT SUBWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE A DOUCHE-BAG-NO-GOOD-TEEN. What are parents teaching their children? When did it become ok to behave like total assbags and not have a conscience about it? Is it because I grew up in very Catholic countries in Latin America that I have this thing we call "conscience" and feel guilty even when I drown a gnat in my bathtub? WTF??? STEALING?? WTF!!!!?!?!?!?! It boggles my mind so much that it leaves me speechless, and I tell you, that's rare.
9. DON'T COMPLETELY DISREGARD SOMEONE ELSE'S FEELINGS JUST TO GET A LAUGH. This is perhaps the winner of the STOO-PID award. Don't decide to play a "joke" on your brother's ex-girlfriend because you are a dimwitted immature idiot who is bored at work and can't think of other ways to entertain yourself. Just don't. It's childish, cruel, creates unnecessary drama, and if you are finally in college then you should act like it. Don't respond to kindness with cruelty. It's like kicking a puppy for God's sake. If you contact me and I tell you that I am happy to hear you love college and that I hope you have a nice summer, don't be an asshat about it, just accept the fact that someone just said something nice to you in response to your stupid joke and leave it at that, why go out of your way to make the person (i.e. ME) feel shitty and stupid? I really can't wrap my mind around it. Catty queen-bee behavior belongs on the playground, and apparently, so does this chick. Double STOO-PID: DON'T LET YOUR SISTER DISRESPECT THE FIRST WOMAN YOU HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH, WHO YOU SUPPOSEDLY LOVED VERY DEEPLY. She may not be perfect, but neither are you and she loved you so very much and only ever wanted to make you happy, just because you guys weren't meant to be doesn't mean you have to be an ass. Respect what was at one point in your lives a beautiful thing and leave it at that. SSSSTTTTOOOOO---PPPPIIIIDDDD. And mean.
10. DON'T LET STUPID BITCHES GET TO YOU. STOO-PID. Sometimes you can't help it, but try to accept the fact that there are a lot of twisted people in this world and learn not to let it bother you. You will never understand what motivates some people to act in ways that are clearly harmful to others. Be it a silly ex's sister, an old roommate (or like 3 old roommates if you have exceptionally bad luck like me), or some random dude, you will only get weighed down if you allow every mean person who crosses your path to hurt you. And if you do get hurt, acknowledge that you have just encountered a stoo-pid beyotch and be glad that you aren't the kind of person who behaves like a stoo-pid beyotch. Make like Plato and do your best to be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. And take kamikaze shots with your girlfriends while toasting "fuck stupid bitches" and be thankful for the wonderful people you are blessed to have in your life.
Anyways, various events that have occurred this week have inspired me to compose a list. The STOO-PID list. A list of various stoo-pid things I have done this week, or have been done to me, or I have seen done.
1. DON'T GO ONLINE WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK. STOO-PID MENACE!!! You do not have extreme literary talent, despite what you may think at 2 in the morning after several Goose and tonics. What you write will make little sense to anyone, including yourself, when you realize you posted the next morning. And the only interaction you seem to have with Thursday night's doorman in your building has been while you are on some sort of substance. You do not need your apartment building thinking you are an alcoholic floozy. STOO-PID!
2. DON'T CHASE KAMIKAZE SHOTS WITH A DOUBLE GOOSE AND TONIC!!! I don't think I need to elaborate here. STOO-PID!!!!
3. DON'T LAUGH AT YOUR BEST FRIEND WHEN A BIRD SHITS ON HER HEAD!!! Because a bird will shit on your foot while you are waiting for your sushi on your lunch break. Can we say karmic retribution? STOO-PID!!
4. DON'T HAVE X-RATED AIM CONVERSATIONS WHILE AT WORK!!! Not that any of the old fuddy-duddies in this office even know how to find said conversation on the main computer brain thing, but knowing me and my luck I will get found out and will get fired and a scandal will ensue and my sex life will be plastered all over the news: "Blonde Fired for Dirty Talk on The Company Dime!!!" I can see it now. STOO-PID!!! (But a very VERY fun stoo-pid, nonetheless.)
5. DON'T TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT SHIT WAS ON THE GROUND THAT YOU WALKED BY ON YOUR WAY TO WORK! Because when you realize that it is vomit and start to emit little screams and take off running, PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD!! STOO-PID!
6. DON'T CLOSE THE METRO AT MIDNIGHT ON A THURSDAY! Some of us can't wait until Friday to get krunk. Some of us are semi-recent college grads who like to pretend like they are still in college and don't have Friday classes. Some of us are under-paid office assistants who need the metro to be running when they stumble home at 2 in the morning so they don't spend $15 bucks on a fucking 5 minute cab ride. CAB ZONES IN DC: ALSO VERY, VERY STOO-PID. Oooh. Flashback from last night. DON'T YELL AT COPS, OR CALL THEM "DUDES." Those cops did actually have every right to honk at the cab driver for stopping in the middle of the street to let you in. Yelling "DUUUUDES I HAVE TO GO HOOOOOME I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 7 MAAAAAAAN!!!" will not change the fact that no cabbie should stop in the middle of the street. And when the cop tells you this don't go "BUT DUUUUUUUUUDE" and whine, just shut up and get in the cab. STOO-PID, STOO-PID and STOO-PID. And makes me wonder if I should still be saying "dude" at 22. Probably not.
7. DON'T APPROACH A GIRL BY SAYING "YOU REALLY NEED A GUY LIKE ME" and then proceed to tell her your family owns the largest dry cleaning company in DC as if you think that is going to impress her. Do not proceed to ask her and her friend, a dozen times, if they have heard of said dry-cleaning place, b/c chances are if they said no the first time you mentioned it that just might mean THEY'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT!! DO NOT FOLLOW THIS GIRL THE WHOLE NIGHT AND RANDOMLY POP INTO HER CONVERSATIONS WITH OTHER DOODS TO TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER. YOU DO NOT KNOW HER. Flattering, I suppose, but STOO-PID.
8. DON'T STEAL MY FRIEND'S PURSE AT SUBWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE A DOUCHE-BAG-NO-GOOD-TEEN. What are parents teaching their children? When did it become ok to behave like total assbags and not have a conscience about it? Is it because I grew up in very Catholic countries in Latin America that I have this thing we call "conscience" and feel guilty even when I drown a gnat in my bathtub? WTF??? STEALING?? WTF!!!!?!?!?!?! It boggles my mind so much that it leaves me speechless, and I tell you, that's rare.
9. DON'T COMPLETELY DISREGARD SOMEONE ELSE'S FEELINGS JUST TO GET A LAUGH. This is perhaps the winner of the STOO-PID award. Don't decide to play a "joke" on your brother's ex-girlfriend because you are a dimwitted immature idiot who is bored at work and can't think of other ways to entertain yourself. Just don't. It's childish, cruel, creates unnecessary drama, and if you are finally in college then you should act like it. Don't respond to kindness with cruelty. It's like kicking a puppy for God's sake. If you contact me and I tell you that I am happy to hear you love college and that I hope you have a nice summer, don't be an asshat about it, just accept the fact that someone just said something nice to you in response to your stupid joke and leave it at that, why go out of your way to make the person (i.e. ME) feel shitty and stupid? I really can't wrap my mind around it. Catty queen-bee behavior belongs on the playground, and apparently, so does this chick. Double STOO-PID: DON'T LET YOUR SISTER DISRESPECT THE FIRST WOMAN YOU HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH, WHO YOU SUPPOSEDLY LOVED VERY DEEPLY. She may not be perfect, but neither are you and she loved you so very much and only ever wanted to make you happy, just because you guys weren't meant to be doesn't mean you have to be an ass. Respect what was at one point in your lives a beautiful thing and leave it at that. SSSSTTTTOOOOO---PPPPIIIIDDDD. And mean.
10. DON'T LET STUPID BITCHES GET TO YOU. STOO-PID. Sometimes you can't help it, but try to accept the fact that there are a lot of twisted people in this world and learn not to let it bother you. You will never understand what motivates some people to act in ways that are clearly harmful to others. Be it a silly ex's sister, an old roommate (or like 3 old roommates if you have exceptionally bad luck like me), or some random dude, you will only get weighed down if you allow every mean person who crosses your path to hurt you. And if you do get hurt, acknowledge that you have just encountered a stoo-pid beyotch and be glad that you aren't the kind of person who behaves like a stoo-pid beyotch. Make like Plato and do your best to be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. And take kamikaze shots with your girlfriends while toasting "fuck stupid bitches" and be thankful for the wonderful people you are blessed to have in your life.
posted by The Blonde Menace at 8:48 AM
10 Comments:
X-rated conversations on AIM?
Shit... I'm on Yahoo messenger. I'm missing out on good stuff here.
"Is it because I grew up in very Catholic countries in Latin America that I have this thing we call "conscience" and feel guilty even when I drown a gnat in my bathtub? WTF???"
Hey! Where did you grow up in Latin America? Tell me more.
As for the guilt thing, it's definitely a Catholic thing. They should sell T-shirts that say "I don't need a reason to feel guilty...I'm Catholic".
Drunken blog posts make for great reading.
i like the tshirt idea.
plus stoo-pid bitches can go to hell *boo* *hiss* LOL!
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Nice blog. I have to say I agree with posting late at night while drunk. Always STOO-PID!!! If I could add a couple, they would be:
1. If you are a scrawny, young Star Trek or Star Wars geek, don't yell crap at people behind their back that could snap you in two, after YOU hold up the line in the covenience store, while everyone else is buying booze munchy food, after the bars close. If I was still 21, an ugly scene would have ensued if such a knob got in my face after consuming numerous Soco and Cokes.
2. IF you are such a punk ass, geek, KNOB, don't have your girlfriend protect you. Big time Mantown violation.
HIN: I spent 5 years in Bolivia and 4 in Nicaragua.
Tshirt idea = fantastic.
Steve and Azrael:
As I have learned this past week, X-rated conversations can be had ANYWHERE, through just about any means of communication....
You just need to find the right person to have them with...
I'm engaged. There are no right persons for me to have x-rated online conversations with anymore.
Thank goodness I have prior memories to sustain me.
Have them with your fiance Steve!!!!
Why? I see her in person everyday. It's so much better than typing with one hand.
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