Of Evil Pigeons and Bird Poop...

I don't like the birds at Union Station. Correction: I don't like the seagulls. I don't like them flying about over my head and squawking and doing whatever bird-like things it is that they do. Birds poop at random, and I know in my heart that one day I will be walking along, minding my own business, and one of these wretched Union Station birds will poop all over me and my Blonde hair. Where the hell do they come from anyways? Are we THAT close to a body of water that seagulls need to claim Union Station as their own? My supervisor just told me that seagulls live everywhere, regardless of your proximity to large bodies of water, that they live near garbage. I thought they only lived near the SEA, I mean why the hell else are they called SEAgulls? Is this a blonde moment I am having, or have other people believed this misconception to be true too? I don't think I've ever seen seagulls in Manhattan. There's lots of garbage there. I mean yeah it's an island and all, but I feel like seagulls only belong near docks and boats and shit. Not that I'm looking for them when I'm in NYC, but I think I would have noticed them if I’d seen them, I think it would have seemed odd to me. Pigeons, now those little fuckers rule that city. I was almost attacked by a one-eyed pigeon once, but now that I think about it, I think that was here in DC. Pigeons in NYC are brutal, they probably have a dictatorship that exiles seagulls. This is besides the point, but I think it would be really cool to train a flock of pigeons to do your evil deeds. Like give them some bread and then say "Pigeons: Boss, now" and off they go to poop all over your boss or ex-boyfriend or something. That would kind of kick ass.

Anyways, this was going somewhere. Ah yes, I was driving a while back with my sun roof open, just relaxing to the catchy pop tunes of our favorite child molester of yesteryear (Jacko, duh), and it occurred to me that it could be possible that a bird could poop and still hit me through my sun roof. This seemed highly unlikely to me though, because what are the chances that a bird's poop would fly through the air at an appropriate angle at the precise time your car is driving underneath, so the poop would then fly through the tiny hole in the top of your car, and land precisely on your head? What are the odds of that happening? Slim to none, at least that’s what I thought until this morning.

One of my best friends texted me around 10:30ish: "I had my sun roof open in my car just driving down the road and a bird shit on my head. I am repulsed."

After I laughed hysterically at her expense it dawned on me that what I thought was hardly possible had in fact just happened to someone I know. It is possible. And if it's possible that a bird can shit on your head through the sun roof of a moving car, then surely those of us who like to walk to Union Station on our lunch breaks are doomed.

In other non-poopy news, I think I am going to order customized pink m&m’s that say “fabulous” on them for my Champagne and Cupcakes party. I can’t think of anything more ridiculous and fantastical.